I thought this was funny and accurate. But then, i’m not in love with Wheedon’s Avengers movie; i only liked it.
Could you make such a video taking apart far better films like The Dark Knight Rises, or Skyfall? I’m sure you could. And i would consider it just as annoying/stupid/insipid/void as the Avengers lovers will view the video embedded above, from CinemaSins.
17 Responses to ““Cap gets AIDS from handling bloody baseball card.””
this is seriously stupid. seriously. this is riddled with nit-picky-fucking-dumb bitching. a few that jumped out:
“cap pays off a bet he never technically accepted”. did we need to see the origin of the bet to know wtf happened?
“clearly no radio in his ear but he pretends to have one”. this is the world where iron man, the hulk and thor exist. i can EASILY buy that he has a fucking small radio in his ear.
“indestructible heroes need pep talk”. seriously? they’re fucking human(except whatever thor is). we all need a shot in the arm. ESPECIALLY after a buddy FUCKING DIES. christ.
“why are they trying to stop an army…” don’t they enter ny via blowing-shit-the-fuck-up?! nah, no one’s died. let em invade and do whatever.
and the points just got dumber as they go on. i think the last full minute is fucking idiotic.
i will say, though, that i didn’t understand wtf was happening with thor and mjolnir in the field. wtf was that about?
Nothing was happening with Thor in the field. He was just realizing what was to come. The battle with the Chitari, the inevitable face off with his brother. He wasnt struggling to pick up the hammer, he was struggling with the fact that there was a high chance he (and the rest) wouldnt be able to succeed. Instead of picking up the hammer and flying right into battle, there was a moment of reflection and thought as to what lies ahead.
Overall i thought the video was pretty funny, a few ‘points’ could of been excluded with just a second watch of the film, but overall pretty humorous.
Thor was struggling with Mjolinir! If anyone watched the original Thor movie this would make total sense and IS EXPLAINED! But god forbid any movie contains a nod for those of us who have actually bothered with the canon no it has to be accessible for everyone for every second because otherwise people are clearly too stupid to find the internet and you know look it up if they care (insert similar rant for point about redskull). simply put Thor Will not be able to pick up Mjolinir until he is good enough as punishment for the unprovoked attack. It shows in that moment that Thor is doubting himself. I am one of those people that is a fan of the Avengers but can find humor in takeoffs like this… however i could make a video pointing out several mistakes with the video and you can bet your sweet ass they would be all over me for that one (it’s happened before). RANT OVER. Continue…
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Yeah I never find videos like these funny at all, especially the “How ____ Should Have Ended” videos.
The video is not very well thought out.
Keep in mind, Avengers is a flawed movie- in fact, it only just barely works and is only considered ‘great’ because god damn it, it’s a fun movie that marginally recreates big comic book sequences with good actors and a decent understanding on how to mix a lot of miss-matched characters together. It’s not TEH BEST EVAHR, nor is it wrong to point out flaws. However, the nit picks are mostly pointless (the Thor thing easily explained by Phoenix and Miguel, Rancor got everything else that matters). Yet, I still feel the need to point a few more obvious things out.
*Seriously, the Tesseract (or Cosmic Cube for those of us that have actually bothered to pick up a comic book) is what’s known as a plot device, or a MacGuffin if you’re into Hitchcock. Hitch even said it doesn’t godamn matter so much as long as it moves the plot forward. Outside of that, it’s clearly shown to be capable of creating doorways to other areas of space for transport or communication, it also can be harnessed as a power source for weapons (see Loki’s stick and Captain America’s film) and according to the scientist they kidnap its uses could be limitless. Also, just pick up a bloody Marvel comic book. I know it’s harder to find comic book stores these days, but there’s this little thing called The Internet…
*Nick Fury’s a field commander thrown into a seriously fucked situation, trying to herd cats (egotistical superheroes) and beat back an alien invasion. He thinks on his feet, and is willing to lie, throw civil liberties out the window, kill, and use people’s emotions against them to get the job done or throw soldiers into near-suicide missions, but he won’t follow orders that result in needless loss of civilian life. Thus, he’s an old soldier and tactician that will do his job no matter the personal cost, but will not sacrifice civilians. That’s a little more complex than ‘eyepatch,’ which by the way indicates that his job is dangerous and he’s suffered loss because of it. Also, the fact that he just grabbed the radioactive and incredibly dangerous Tesseract to keep it from being taken by an enemy force once again illustrates his dedication to his job, and that he understands the risk to himself.
*Note to self, regardless of motivation or number of other races killed during the runtime of a movie, killing exactly two Asians (Japanese? Chinese? Korean? Vietnamese? Nope, just ASIAN) is racist.
*The Helicarrier is actually awesome (and a rather big part of the SHIELD comics since the 60s), and they’re hiding because it’s a top-secret mobile military base hovering over the mainland USA- everyone has a camera, everyone has the internet, it’s best that your secret mobile base remains secret what the hell are they even complaining about.
*There are a lot of wirelessly accessible cameras, and yes, they can be used for spying- just ask middle schoolers that took their school-issued laptops home, or more importantly, put “NSA” and “TrapWire” into google (and then have fun being on a government watch list).
*Loki wanted to be noticed by SHIELD so he could get captured, so since only that agency knows what he looks like, just changing his clothing would be enough to stay less conspicuous until he’s completed his primary task (catching a German VIP off guard to get his retina mapped and transmitted) and ready to show off.
*The Hitler reference was pretty bad, I’ll give them that.
*The Helicarrier (again, more used for secret operations and launching fighter planes than direct combat) was partially neutered by one arrow- tipped with powerful explosives, fired with precision into one of the turbines keeping the very large and heavy machine in the air. These folks are aware that birds can (though the odds are something like one in a billion) take down jets, right? Birds aren’t even explosive.
The ‘hacking arrow’ is dumb, but it’s also incredibly comic book, so I can forgive (and enjoy) it while also understanding why someone else would hate it.
*Automatic weapons aren’t designed for accuracy, they’re mostly used for cover or suppressing fire- meaning to make the other guy run away and seek cover. Even a sniper rifle can be inaccurate in an extremely windy area- like oh, I dunno, a walkway next to a gaping hole in a massive airship thousands of miles up in the sky traveling at unknown (but probably pretty fast) speeds.
*Loki calls Thor out for being a moron and falling for the old Lucy/Charlie Brown gag, so calling it out yourself is pointless. It shows that Thor is hot headed and easy to trick, and that Loki is a tricky snob that looks down on his meathead brother.
*The objective for Hawkeye breaking him out was to completely and absolutely cripple the only network of heroes that could possibly oppose him. Playing everyone off of eachother was psychological warfare, killing everyone on the Helicarrier (if it would have worked out) would have left SHIELD down their greatest field commander and a significant amount of support staff. This isn’t something I had to read comics to know, I just happened to be awake when I watched the movie.
*The fight between Hawkeye and Black Widow has stakes, as they previously were shown to have a fraternal (if not romantic) relationship, and they’re both human beings that can be killed by regular means, unlike Hulk, Thor, and the guy with super-armor.
*The AIDS thing is funny. It should be noted though, that you can’t actually get AIDS from blood that’s been exposed to open air and less-than-body-temperature for more than a few seconds.
*We live in the future, every fucking gadget glows with blue lights. I saw a blue glowing pillow at Walmart today, that’s not an exaggeration. The glow has the helpful advantage of letting the audience and user know the device is powered up, it’s not something to get upset over.
*Loki is prideful and insane and likes banter. This has been shown in every scene featuring Loki. His pride is his downfall. It’s an old trope, and it’s the core of Loki’s character, and it was a fun chance to watch two neat actors threaten eachother eloquently. Also, Loki was planning on using Iron Man as a hypnotized stooge, and only tried to kill him after that didn’t work and his dick was insulted.
*The chest thing is questionable, but it’s also likely Loki was just mad about his erectile dysfunction and decided to kill Tony in a fit of anger. It happens.
*The generic badguys were basically Storm Troopers or NAZI soldiers, or a tribe of angry spear-wielding natives. No one cares about them, this has been a staple of action film making for decades because you can’t have everyone in an army have a personality unless you’re writing a long-winded Russian novel.
*They were blowing up buildings and cars and occasionally corralling people together for hostage purposes. I assure you, people died off screen, because the movie was rated PG13 and you can only get away with so much.
*Bruce Banner on a motorcycle was funny and unexpected. Either he stole it, or borrowed it from the security guard who gave him his clothes. Neither one of those things is impossible, even if it is weird that he was able to locate his comrades in the middle of a city that’s under siege from aliens. Still, he does turn into a giant green monster, so I can’t be too worried about that.
*Transformers does have awful designs, but the reason is those robots are supposed to be characters, and there are a lot of them that look almost identical. The space dragon monsters don’t have any defining characteristics other than ‘giant monster that must be stopped,’ and no sentience to speak of. Also, you can tell the difference between it, and the other Chitauri soldiers in silhouette, even if they were shrunk down/blown up to the same size. Which is something you can’t do in Bay’s Transformers.
*Hulk can control his powers in a fight because he’s always angry. Anger is what triggers the Hulk to come out, and living with it for years has allowed him to channel it into something useful (unless he’s tricked into going out of control, as in the Helicarrier fight).
*I’ll give that it’s kind of weird that Thor just quit doing the mass lighting murder after a while. Though I could say it had to do with too many stragglers getting through his blasts, that’s just speculation on my part.
*The Council doesn’t fuck around.
*Possibly killing one pilot to stop him from killing tens of thousands if not millions of people is perfectly morally acceptable, what the hell kind of complaint is that. And once again, it’s a character moment for Nick.
*The Chitauri being mind-linked is an easy dodge, but it’s also a classic trope of this kind of story. Yes, it’s the easy way out, but there’s plenty of precedent and it makes for cleaner storytelling in a big budget summer film. Again, nobody gives a shit about the Chitauri- they’re just cannon fodder.
*There’s no gravity in space, but he was falling towards a portal to Earth, which I promise, does have gravity. We are talking about a magical hole in space, and for all we know, it has a pull of its own.
*They are totally dating. Actually, they probably did that for the Yaoi fans in the audience…
*Only homework if you didn’t give a shit about the movie and never read the comic. If you LIKED the movie, you’d go home or ask a comic book reading friend about who that was- which means you’re being sucked into maybe being interested in reading comic books, WHICH SHOULD BE THE WHOLE POINT OF THESE BIG MOVIE ADAPTATIONS OUTSIDE OF MAKING MONEY FOR MOVIE STUDIOS AND ARTISTS.
Jesus.
One other note, of all the weird complaints, they neglected to point out that Hulk’s mass and velocity were nothing compared to the giant space dragon rushing at him when Banner arrives at the final confrontation and transforms- even if Hulk’s strong enough to punch that creature to death, he wouldn’t have had enough leverage to keep him on the ground AND bring the monster to a car-crash-into-a-brick-wall style stop. Also, it’s impossible for a creature that large to have a bone structure that functions at all, not to mention one strong enough to take a punch from such a relatively small Hulk on one little part of its face and cause it to topple over. If somehow Hulk was actually able to hold his position (rather than splatting like a bug hitting a windshield), the bulk of the monster would have kept going and there’d be a Hulk-shaped hole tunneling through the length of his body.
If we’re REALLY getting picky, I mean.
Think the most important thing is if you liked Avengers, it happened to make over a billion and a half dollars, so you’ll be getting at least another one. No snarky video critiques will change this.
Galv – Jesus, you put more thought into that than i have into this whole site. Really impressively reasoned, and if you ever want to write anything here, the door is always open.
Captain Mercuh – yeah, i usually don’t, either…but the line about the bloody cards made me lose a mouthful of precious energy drink.
Well, shucks. I’ll email ya.
Heh. AIDS.
It’s all the childhood paranoia and misinformation about that disease, perfectly summed up in one sentence, and delivered so matter-of-factly.
I usually have that happen at least once with these types of videos. Lol.
The worst part was when the Chitauri all collapsed at once just like the droids in Phantom Menace.
For all the crap Phantom Menace gets, it’s arguably been as influential on the special-effects action movies that followed as the original Star Wars and the 1989 Batman were. At this point it’s safe to say that hasn’t been for the better. I think we’re still waiting for the next movie that will become the “It” film and shift the genre into a new, perhaps totally outrageous paradigm (I’ll never forget you, Poochie.).
I wish the more adult, hard-edged, stylistically classical, visually austere Casino Royale had become the model. It was the best, purest, cleanest action/adventure picture made since Raiders of the Lost Ark. It showed that you can deliver eye-popping, intense excitement on screen without spewing CGI vomit all over the place.
Nolan’s Batman trilogy obviously came the closest to succeeding with this kind of model. But his action scenes didn’t get truly spectacular until the third film. And by that time the commercialism represented by the shoehorning of the unnecessary and uninspiring Catwoman character into the storyline detracted somewhat from the movie’s overall effectiveness (Like the Ewoks and Venom before, new characters in the third film in a big-budget trilogy seemed to have been force-fed into the picture out of marketing concerns.). Measured as a trilogy though, there are only a handful of others that can compete with Nolan’s Batman series. I’m definitely more excited about seeing Man of Steel than I am about seeing Marvel Studios’ increasingly safe, homogenized, shallow and formulaic efforts.
Only point of contention with anything you’re saying there, is about Catwoman. If you’re going to give Batman a happily ever after, you kind of need Selina. And if you watch Bale in two key scenes, Bruce may have figured out where she and Blake figured into his exit strategy, in his first interaction with each.
Also, Anne Hathaway’s imax-scale bum on the batpod, arching up right before blowing up the blocked tunnel, was my favorite visual in the movie.
True about the “happily ever after” part, but I probably would have ditched that kind of ending along with the Catwoman character. Especially since modern mass film audiences seem to have improved a great deal in the past 25 years in at least one respect, that they don’t necessarily demand a happy Hollywood ending to everything.
Catwoman’s inclusion took away potential screen time from the perfunctory romance between Talia and Bruce. I would have built that relationship up much more, which would have made Talia’s reveal all the more tragic for Bruce. And that would have reset him back to his depressed, tortured bachelor status by the end, giving the viewer greater sympathy for him at the same time.
Black leather costume aside, there isn’t much that worked for me in the development of the relationship between Bruce and Selina. If you stitched just the Catwoman scenes together and edited out everything else you’d have a pretty tame, pedestrian, mainstream, Hollywood love story in the same ballpark as Jack and Rose in Titanic, except more passionless than most.
I don’t think as a viewer or as the studio I needed this film to try to be the conclusion to Batman’s story. The fun thing about comic book characters is that their stories never do end. This ending either necessitates a reboot or a major reversal to get Batman back to Gotham. I guess Bruce could explain that Selina left him for the captain of the football team in between movies like Daniel did in Karate Kid II? Audiences are sick of reboots, judigng by the decline in Amazing Spider-Man’s box office from Spider-Man 3. And a sequel never gets off to a good start when it has to quickly unwind a happy ending from the previous film. It was a satisfying, pleasant conclusion in the vein of Return of the Jedi but it puts the next inevitable Batman film in an awkward position. And a more mysterious, darker ending just seems more appropriate for the series.
JJ This is not the conclusion of Batmans story. It is the conclusion of Bruce Wayne’s story. Those are very different ideas. It is clear from the very beginning in Batman Begins that Batman is IMMORTAL or intended to be. Bruce becomes a symbol, because a man can be corrupted, a man can be killed but an idea is pure and cannot be destroyed. That is in movie one and is already setting up that Bruce will not always be batman. The fact that he is prepared to walk away at the end of movie three is not an end to batman but a new beginning with a new person to take the mantle of Batman.
Bruce as a man was becoming weaker. Due to this being more realistic and real world style Bruce was badly injured many times and it was taking it’s toll on both his body and his mind He had been destroyed with guilt over the death of Rachael. Bruce could not continue to be Batman because he was not capable of continuing to make the IDEA as scary for bad guys. Enter Catwoman/Selina Kyle to pull him out of his depressed/recluse state by giving him something else to do outside the house by stealing something he wants she and she alone pulls him back to the world. That alone is enough to make her necessary.
As for expanding the relationship between Talia and Bruce. It seems fairly clear that that couldn’t happen the small interaction they do have results in an offer to leave to get away (again Bruce thinking of life after Batman) If Talia were to allow this to continue her plans would become more difficult as she is not around to make them come to fruition. Talia does what she needs to do to hurt Bruce and destroy Gotham which is her first objective? Gotham of course bruce is nothing more than a side project.
In short I guess if I were to be making the next inevitable Batman film I would continue the story of Batman with Robin John Blake having started in the role. No need to unwind a happy ending or to reboot at all.
Having said that the next batman will be a reboot unfortunately because of the success of the aforementioned Avengers (I am a fan of that too BTW) DC wants to get on board by bringing us the justice league which makes reboots of the majors neccessary
True that Nolan gives them the path to let “Robin” pick up the mantle of Batman. But like you said the studio is not likely to seriously explore that option. And even if they did, it’s likely they would want to write Bruce back into the story as a mentor. Then you have to wonder about what to do with Selina. You either have to deal with Catwoman as a major character again, which seems like a boring proposition. Bruce Wayne being “tamed” isn’t nearly as detrimental to his character as Selina being tamed is to hers. If not a major appearance, they’d have to contract Anne Hathaway to do a glorified cameo, which could get expensive, or write her out, which could be awkward.
As a viewer, I just don’t think it was time to retire the Bruce Wayne character. I can see doing that when the actor becomes truly too old to do the part, like Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones. Then you might want to pave the way for a younger actor to take over the role. I do like the idea of doing it in the canon as a new character wearing the costume, an idea we really haven’t seen explored in movies before, as opposed to recasting or rebooting. But ending the story of the original, iconic Bruce Wayne character this quickly in films seems premature and unnecessary at this point. To a certain extent I think the studio does have to responsibly manage the characters for the long-term, and not let their creators, no matter how talented they are, paint them into a corner.
Keep in mind it was Nolan’s decision to let a decade or so pass between Dark Knight and this film. Bruce didn’t need to be advanced in years that much. I don’t think very much rewriting would needed to have been done to get Catwoman out of the movie either, or shrink her role. Talia could replace some of her actions and Robin could replace others. Talia’s seduction of Bruce could have been played up more as a way to break his heart before she breaks his city. There are many ways Bane’s activity could’ve motivated Bruce to put on the mask again. And Robin being the guy who finally offs Bane would’ve prepared him more to become Batman’s partner if not his replacement.
i know this was supposed to be funny or at least thats how i took it but it wasn’t funny…in the slightest. i’m not gonna pick through it cause you could read all the other comments for that but i just wanted to point out that there is in fact gravity in space and to claim otherwise is moronic. obviously he wouldn’t fall like he did in the movie in the depths of space but there was a portal to earth right there. since solid objects can pass through this portal i don’t think its a stretch to say that the gravitational pull of the earth could also pass through the portal and pull ironman back down. i know there were so many things wrong with this but this just bothered me specifically.
The dark knight rises had way more problems than avengers, like batman wasting his time paiting bat with gasoline with a line going all the way down to the ground besides Gordon lol so stupid